She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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