Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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