All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
