the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I would ride that face into the sunset
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
