I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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