Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
