respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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