What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize