when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
