May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Houston, we have a blender
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
