I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
