Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
