new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
