We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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