Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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