I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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