I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
