how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
