I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
