I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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