i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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