I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize