I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
