how can u be prego again
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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