I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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