I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
