Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
