If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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