you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
