she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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