Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can you bring me the toilet please
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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