I wish my penis had an off switch
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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