Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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