my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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