I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
the liver wants what the liver wants
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
