I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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