Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
