"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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