Who did Billy Mays play for?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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