Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
