Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
