all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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