take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
