if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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