youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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