if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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