So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
