I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
