I wish I could teleport
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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