I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My apartment stinks of burning failure
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
