Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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