Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
