My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
