No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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