i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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