Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
