the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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