I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
