After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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