Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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