I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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